


living for you

by aaxbbxx



Series: Written in The Stars • ASTRO oneshots [40]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Minor Kim Myungjun | MJ/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Minor Park Minhyuk | Rocky/Yoon Sanha, i think, idk - Freeform, idk how to tag sorry, light angst but only bin's thoughts, this sucks im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 23:10:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19305754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaxbbxx/pseuds/aaxbbxx
Summary: There were times that Moonbin thought of quitting. When the dance was too much, he thought of ending it midway through practice. When the note was too high to reach, he thought of just giving the verse to either Sanha or MJ. When the pressure of being an idol was getting to the point of no return, he thought of giving up and just leaving. But they were really all justthoughts.





	living for you

There were times that Moonbin thought of quitting. When the dance was too much, he thought of ending it midway through practice. When the note was too high to reach, he thought of just giving the verse to either Sanha or MJ. When the pressure of being an idol was getting to the point of no return, he thought of giving up and just leaving. But they were really all just _thoughts_.

 

When the dance became too much, he’d persevere and run it through the end. When the note was too high, he’d practice and practice until he got it just right. When the pressure of being an idol was getting worst, he’d push through it, thinking of their fans and the hard work of each member and he’d overcome it.

 

But sometimes, there’s one thing that he can’t seem to take his mind off of quitting. He wondered if he had the strength to overcome it, if he had the perseverance to actually hold on. But he was becoming tired, the results looking like it wouldn’t be in his favor.

 

He wondered if the thought of quitting being in love with Cha Eunwoo would remain a thought, or would it standout from the rest and become a reality? Would he finally be able to quit something?

 

 

 

Bin’s heart thumped hard in his chest, an almost daily occurance as soon as he set his sight on one man. Across the room, Eunwoo was laughing as he whined at being pranked by MJ again, while the other members cackled along.

 

It was one of their days off, a day to rest and to catch up on sleep, but they rarely had days to themselves where everyone was present, so instead of staying in his warm and cozy bed, Bin had rolled off it and entered the craziness that was their family early in the morning. They were making breakfast (really it was more Rocky and Jin Jin than _all_ of them) and Bin was on the couch in their living room with Sanha peeking through to the kitchen slash dining area, while MJ and Eunwoo were at the dining table peeling garlic. He and Sanha were watching the scene unfold and they laughed as MJ once again scared Eunwoo, the two cooks shaking their head as they giggled at the two crackheads.

 

“Alright, breakfast is almost ready,” Jinwoo shooed the two away from the table. “Go wash up so we can start eating soon.”

 

MJ and Eunwoo ran after each other as they raced for the washroom (Bin shook his head because there was no point in fighting when there’s two). Beside him, Sanha squealed and hopped off the couch, skipping over to the kitchen and draping himself across Rocky’s back, showing something on his phone. Bin watched as Rocky’s face softened, a fond smile reserved just for the tall maknae, before he nodded and whatever he agreed to earned him a kiss on the cheek before Sanha went _skipping_ to set the table. It was adorable and Bin couldn’t help but feel envy churn in his stomach, but he masked it and got up to help Sanha set the table.

 

"Binnie~" A voice startled him so much he almost fell off the couch.

 

Bin looked up behind him to see Eunwoo laughing at him and he scowled at the older.

 

"Hey! I thought you were washing up?" Bin righted himself on the couch again, as Eunwoo went around and grabbedhis phone off the coffee table.

 

"I forgot my phone." Eunwoo shook the device in front of him, before straigtening up and righting his bathrobe, which Bin just fully noticed and he gulped at the images running in his head.

 

"Well, go before you get cold!" He exclaimed, pretending it was out of concern for the older of being easily cold but it was really for his sanity. "Don't go complaining when you get shivers."

 

Eunwoo giggled and walked away backwards, a cheeky grin on his face. "Yes, hyungnim." Before he turned and jogged away to presumably he bathroom.

 

Bin slumped in relief on the couch and he looked up to see Sanha and Rocky smirking at him, which in turn made him grit his teeth and cock his head ' _what_ ' to which the two younger boys shook their heads before helping Jinwoo grab the steamed buns and eggs from his hands. In no time, the rest of the table was filled with various kinds of food that Bin was wondering if they were celebrating something but it was basically the norm for six, always hungry, boys.

 

A few minutes late Bin was sat in between Sanha and Rocky, grabbing a bowl of rice as the two youngest squabbled at who can stuff their face full of breakfast kimbap, with Jinwoo shaking his head in exasperation at the two. The four of them dug in to their food, not bothering to wait for the other two members because they knew they would be there soon anyway. Bin was right, because not even ten minutes later, MJ was shuffling in the room with a towel around his neck, dropping a kiss on Jinwoo’s temple, then ruffled the hair of the maknae line including Bin while laughing as Rocky choked as he giggled at Sanha who had cheeks stuffed full like a chipmunk. Bin thought they were idiots, but he laughed along anyway, eyes crinkling fondly as he, too, tried not to choke on his mouthful of rice.

 

“Oh my god.” A gasped out choked laughter came a second later, Eunwoo coming in and sitting across from Rocky, just beside Jinwoo, taking in the situation. “What the heck is wrong with you guys?”

 

But he was laughing as well, as finally Rocky and Sanha managed to swallow their food, tears streaming down their faces as they laughed.

 

Overall, breakfast went by normally and soon they were all deposited in different sections of the dorm, relaxing and taking the much needed rest day as a means to do nothing but lounge.

 

 

Bin thought he could relax, take his mind off _Eunwoo things_ but the root of his problem, instead of staying in his single room to study, was attached to Bin the second breakfast was over. Now, normally he’d welcome it, would even be _delighted_ for it, but today, he just wanted space to clear his head, to not constantly _think_ of the person who wormed their way into his heart as cliche as that sounds.

 

Bin tried not to let his restlessness show, tried to focus on the sounds of Sanha whining for Jin Jin and MJ’s attention (the baby that he was for his pseudo parents) and Rocky’s occasional singing and rapping as he typed away on his laptop to write a new song. He tried not to think about how pliant Eunwoo was against him, the rise and fall of his body as he breathed and silently read, the warmth radiating from his side, the way their skin touched and his tingled at the awareness of it all. He really did _try_. But with Eunwoo pressed against his rigid body, he knew he wasn’t doing his damn best.

 

“Binnie?” His eyes snapped open towards Eunwoo’s concerned gaze. “Are you okay? You’ve been tense since breakfast was over.”

 

Of course Eunwoo wasn’t stupid, Bin should know this, he _knew_ but that didn’t mean he couldn’t pretend like everything was fine.

 

“It’s nothing.” Bin brushed it off, hasten to add, “I just probably need to release the tension in my muscles at the gym, I skipped two days now.”

 

Bin could have patted his back for the quick thinking, because technically he wasn’t lying and Eunwoo’s face turned into a fond smile, which meant he bought the story. But now that he thought about it, maybe he should go to the gym, and work out his stress.

 

“Actually, I might just head over now,” he got up from the couch and before Eunwoo could say anything, did a hasty retreat to his and Jinwoo’s room to grab his things, leaving the older staring at him with a thoughtful look.

 

 

 

When Bin went to the gym, just a few blocks from where they lived, a celebrity friendly and somehow private place their company owned, he wasn’t expecting to spend so much time there. Normally, he’d spend one or two hours at most but with all the tension he hadn’t released from being in close proximity with Eunwoo for the last couple of days, he ended up punishing himself by staying almost five hours cycling from weights, treadmill, bike and whatever else he could find. By the time he sprawled on his back a sweaty and sore mess on the floor, the gym was silent with no one in except him, which was a rare case but it does happen especially since celebrities like him had tight schedules too.

 

He was breathing raggedly, and his muscles were so sore to the point he wondered if he could still walk home. But he ignored the pain and continued with his sit-ups and crunches, his stomach disagreeing with his movements. Bin was almost done when he almost lost count when he felt a weight on his feet and when he pulled up, Eunwoo’s face greeted him. He paused and blinked a few times if he was hallucinating, but the older man had only cocked a brow.

 

“You finishing this or what?”

 

That was all he said before Bin dropped back down again to finish his set. When he did, Eunwoo got off his feet and sat crossed-leg infront of him, handing him a bottle of water which he greatly took, gulping down half before capping it close.

 

“What’re you doing here?” Bin asked, panting as his breath slowly got back into his lungs.

 

Eunwoo leaned down on his arms resting on his legs. “I came to look for you. You missed lunch.”

 

Bin waved his hands. “ I lost track of time.”

 

“Bullshit.” Eunwoo deadpanned, and Bin was stunned at the swear, rarely does Eunwoo swear, especially at Bin.

 

“W-what?” Bin spluttered.

 

Eunwoo sighed, it was tired and frustrated. “Bin, I’m smart enough to know that you just don’t ‘lose track of time’ and that you’re actually avoiding me.”

 

“What? No! What makes you think that?”

 

Eunwoo eyed him. “Seriously? I’m not stupid. Now did I do something wrong?”

 

“No, of course not.” Bin scoffed.

 

“Then what the fuck is it? Because I’m tired of pretending that I don’t see you wincing or flinching everytime I come close. Do you have a problem with me? Huh?!”

 

Bin felt angry, not at Eunwoo, but at himself. He thought he was subtle but he was not. But also he was tired of pretending, so he said something he wished he didn’t.

 

“Yes! I do have a problem! I’m sick and tired of you always around me!”

 

Eunwoo flinched and opened his mouth in shock, wasn’t expecting for Bin to say that. Bin looked like he was stunned himself. Eunwoo steeled himself and his eyes turned blank.

 

“I see. Well, I’m sorry, I’ll stay the fuck away from you from now on.” Then he stood up and walked out.

 

 

Bin scrambled after him, taking his arm. “Minnie, wait, I didn’t mean–“

 

Eunwoo shook him off and turned towards him, hissing. “You don’t get to call me that Moon Bin. After all, you are tired of me right? Congrats, I’m not going to be by you from now on.”

 

Bin watched as Eunwoo left, and he punched the nearest wall in anger. Why the hell did he say that? It couldn’t be further from the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

The next few days were high with tension and not the good kind. The others knew something was wrong with him and Eunwoo, who were always attached to the hip almost as much as MJ and Jin Jin were, but they haven’t been talking at all. Bin ended up spending his time with the maknae line for the rest of their day off, and during the week, Eunwoo had avoided him, which was a feat since they lived in the same dorm but Bin never saw him unless they were eating together. During their schedules, Eunwoo was such a great actor that no one can tell there was something wrong between them both, except for the other boys, because as soon as they were done, when they get into the car, Eunwoo had zipped his lips around Bin.

 

It was all too much to handle that Bin was surprised that it was Sanha of all people who confronted him with it. Usually, it was Jin Jin as their leader making sure everyone was at their best terms or even MJ as their madhyeong, but if Sanha was the one coming to him about it, who was the sweetest and most oblivious one of them all, then.

 

“Bin Hyung~” Sanha whined as he got toppled over by Bin as they raced towards the couch.

 

Bin laughed as he got to the couch first, but quieted down when Eunwoo passed by to go towards his room, before the door slammed shut.

 

Sanha watched all this unfold from the ground, before climbing up to his feet and sitting down beside his hyung.

 

“Hyung...” Sanha gathered the game consol to set up their game. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you and Eunwoo-hyung, but please make up.”

 

Bin snapped his head towards the maknae, the younger not looking at him but focuses on the game console.

 

“What?”

 

Sanha rolled his eyes, selecting multiplayer in the screen. “Hyung, I know I’m dumb, but I’m not _that_ dumb. Clearly, you and Eunwoo-hyung are having problems, and it’s suffocating being in between, ask the others! Hyukkie won’t even stay in the dorm for long because of you guys!”

 

Bin shook his head. “When did you get so mature?”

 

Sanha stuck out his tongue at him.

 

“Also, ‘Hyukkie’? Really?”

 

Sanha blushed and glowered at Bin. “No one was supposed to know I call him that. So you better keep that to yourself, hyung.”

 

Bin chuckled, and nodded. _Oh he’ll definitely tell Eunwo–wait he can’t_ , he frowned.

 

When the game was set up, Sanha handed over the other console. “But seriously hyung, fix it. Eunwoo-hyung seemed so sad these days, and he looks angry all the time but I know he’a just masking his sadness.”

 

Bin didn’t say anything, just took the console and gripped it in his hand.

 

“Should I kick your ass in mario?” Sanha suddenly asked, topic forgotten. Bin was thankful, and he grinned as the race started.

 

But even with his attention on the game and Sanha, he couldn’t help but mull over the maknae’s words. Maybe he should go to Eunwoo.

 

The question was, can he fix it?

 

 

 

Later that same night, Bin watched from the sidelines how everyone gathered for their movie night, this time Eunwoo joined them but instead of sitting with Bin on the two-seater, he opted to sit on the floor far away from him. Bin admitted, it hurt, how something that small can give a massive stab on the heart.

 

They watched something scary, the movie title not sticking to Bin’s mind, all he knew was that he missed his movie partner – well, partner for everything really – and that Sanha made a mistake in letting the hyungs choose the movie as he screamed for the fourth time in the first ten minutes the movie played. Bin wanted to scoff at the way Rocky teased the boy but would indulge him in a cuddle as he gets scared. He was jealous, he wanted that. But obviously the person he had feelinga for was avoiding him and he can’t exactly tell him his feelings, but at the back of his mind, in an alternate universe, he had the courage to do it, but he was too much of a coward.

 

The thought of quitting, of being in love with Eunwoo crossed his mind, but he was unsure whether he thought of quitting or actually holding on.

 

When the movie was over, Eunwoo was the first to leave, yawning all the way to his room, while Jinwoo carried a sleeping MJ into the three-person room, but Bin knew Jinwoo would end up sleeping in the older’s bed. The two maknae were racing to the kitchen, grabbing some snacks before Sanha waved him bye as they too followed Jinwoo into the room. Bin laughed as he heard the tell-tale of Sanha doing his tradition of asking Jinwoo to sleep in that aegyo voice of his (Bin always showed his ‘disgust’ during public schedules but really he was trying hard not to pinch Sanha’s cheeks for how adorable he was) and Jinwoo’s tired but fond sigh, before the door closed.

 

Bin tidied up the living room, before slowly walking over to his and Jinwoo’s room, eyes stopping at the closed door of Eunwoo’s, before shaking his head and entering his room. After doing his nightly routine, he laid in bed, but instead of sleep claiming him like it usually does, he was wide awake and way too alert.

 

Bin thought of the past few days, feeling a pang of not quite pain but it still jarred him. He thought of Eunwoo not meeting his eyes, not saying a word to him except when he has too, not acknowledging his presence; he knew it was his fault but it stung.

 

So with a split decision, he pulled the covers off him before he could change his mind. He creeped out of the room and sneaked into the older’s single room.

 

When they had moved dorms, they ended up playing a game like they normally do to see who gets to room with who. Although, Bin finds it didn’t matter in the end since everyone sleeps wherever these days, he still felt sad when Eunwoo won and chose the single room. He got so used to having Eunwoo as his roommate that it was weird when they weren’t anymore; he also was glad after because that was when he could hide in his room when the emotions get too rough for him to handle aside from Eunwoo being constantly in his space.

 

Bin sighed, and slipped behind Eunwoo, gathering the taller man as his little spoon. Eunwoo was a sensitive sleeper so it was only a matter of seconds before he woke up and froze, realizing who was in bed with him.

 

“Bin what?” Eunwoo tried to shuffle away but Bin kept him still.

 

“I’m sorry.” That stopped Eunwoo from moving. “It’s really not what I meant, I’m just...”

 

Bin heard Eunwoo sigh. “Fine. But we’re talking about this tomorrow.”

 

Bin hummed in reply tightening his hold. After a few moments, “I miss you.”

 

Eunwoo took an intake of breath and released it slowly, his body relaxing and when he spoke, Bin could hear a smile with it. “I miss you too.”

 

That night, Bin slept like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He knew they were far from over their rift during the past days but for now, it was enough.

 

 

 

 

Like the coward Bin was, he left Eunwoo the following morning, not waiting for the older to wake up and as one recalls, Bin was no easy waker. That said a lot that morning.

 

Bin was by no means avoiding talking to Eunwoo, but being caged in the bedroom and with only inches away from each other, he'd either fuck it up more by kissing the man or making him angry again; two options he wasn't willing to take.

 

However, luck wasn't on his side that particular morning, because as soon as he got up, Eunwoo was awake not a few moments later and had followed him into the kitchen where he made a pot of coffee. Eunwoo hadn't said anything but Bin knew he was only waiting until Bin himself would start talking. And if he knew Eunwoo well, which he does, he'd never let the topic and their fight go, not without explanation anyway.

 

Bin eyed the tense shoulders of the older, fingers itching to touch, to calm the tension out of him. Eunwoo was still preparing coffee, although it looked like he was done for awhile now but Bin pretended not to notice. Eunwoo was bidding him time, the least he could do was not call him out on it.

 

Bin wondered what has he got to lose if he told Eunwoo the truth. Then his mind flashed back to the past couple of days, and his heart clenched at the thought that in the worst case scenario, Eunwoo would behave exactly like that. But if this were to go on, his secret, then they might just end up fighting all the time, with how the secret was eating Bin up on the inside, and Eunwoo would always end up to be the one receiving the brunt of it.

 

"I'm sorry." Bin offered, and Eunwoo turned his head to face him, lips tilted into a small smile.

 

"It's okay–"

 

Bin shook his head. "No, it's not. I was having issues, and I took it out on you. It's not okay for me to do that to you. You were only concerned. I shouldn't have blown up in your face."

 

Eunwoo took a step but Bin moved back instinctively, and the older stopped moving, making Bin wince at his actions. "Bin, I know you're sorry. But that, right there, leads me to think, it's just not you taking it out on me. You have something, an issue, a problem, _something_ with me, and–"

 

"Fine, there is."

 

They stared at each other in surprise, Bin being at himself and Eunwoo stunned to have Bin admit it so easily, so quickly.

 

"What is it? Can I fix it?" Eunwoo asked, offered, hopeful.

 

Bin felt tears prick his eyes, and he laughed harshly. "You can't fix it. It's my problem."

 

"Then what the fuck Bin? If it has got to do with me, of course I can fix it!"

 

"You can't fix me being in love with you okay!?"

 

Eunwoo was stunned, Bin can tell. Bin didn't scream, he shouted, but low enough that the others won't hear. But it still gave the desired effect.

 

"You want the truth? I've been in love with you, and it's so hard to be around you and have you be so close yet _so far_ out of my reach because I know you'll never feel the same way. I try not to get it in my head that every time we act in front of the fans, that's it's not real, and maybe I'm fucked up because that is definitely what is eating me. It's not fucking real."

 

Bin breathed, needing oxygen. Eunwoo was still and silent, mouth open but no words coming out.

 

"So tell me, how are you going to fix that?"

 

Eunwoo remained quiet and Bin laughed, sad and harsh making Eunwoo flinch.

 

"Exactly."

 

With that last word, Bin left the kitchen, left through the living room, out the front door. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he couldn't stay.

 

Bin thought he didn't have anything to lose, thought it might just be Eunwoo, but he forgot, his heart was lost too.

 

 

 

 

 

Bin ended up going to the rooftop, staying there until all the tears, anger, sadness and everything else melted away, as the sun rose high in the sky. He laid down on the bench, hidden by the tall bush plants, and he wanted to curl up and just hide from the world.

 

His thoughts swirled, the memory of Eunwoo's face when he told him the truth, and he couldn't tell whether to laugh or cry. He didn't know what got into him, telling Eunwoo like that, ambushing him so early in the morning. He didn't regret telling him though, that was the thing. He was glad he didn't have to carry the burden anymore, but he wished he did it under better circumstances. Maybe the result would have been the same, maybe not, but certainly it would be better than him spitting it out early in the morning, both still trying to wake in the world.

 

"I knew you'd be here."

 

Bin sat up fast, head spinning, eyes watching as Eunwoo approached him slowly, like he was scared to chase him away. Bin opened his mouth to speak, but Eunwoo raised a hand.

 

"You had your turn to speak earlier, it's mine now."

 

Bin nodded slowly, moving across the bench as Eunwoo sat beside him. Eunwoo looked over the view from their dorm's rooftop, not a lot to look at, except for other buildings in their neighborhood, but the sun was up bright and shining.

 

"When I first found out about fans calling us the 'soap' couple, I found it funny. When management told us to up our antics, which we naturally do anyway, for more hype, we agreed right away. Over the years though, the lines blurred and instead of thinking to myself, 'ahh Eunwoo, it's just fanservice', I find myself thinking, 'i wish it was real'."

 

Bin snapped his head to Eunwoo in shock. Eunwoo wasn't looking at him but he had a smile on his face.

 

"When you started being distant, I panicked, wondering if I crossed the line and made it obvious that I was in love with you, so when I asked you about it and you blew up, it made my worst fears becoming reality. The last few weeks were tough, pretending that I didn't want to talk to you, to not touch you, look at you. But then you came to me last night, and I felt relief. I didn't even want to ask what was going on, but I knew I should because I didn't want that to happen again, so I should ask what I did wrong so I can prevent it from happening again. This morning was surprising, and it left me speechless, but you left before I could respond."

 

This time Eunwoo looked at Bin and grinned, Bin's head filled with so many thoughts, but one stood out the most.

 

 _Eunwoo loves him_.

 

Bin cleared his throat and blushed, looking away.

 

"What now?"

 

Eunwoo giggled at the question before standing up and offering a hand for Bin to take.

 

"Well, boyfriend...?" Eunwoo trailed off, blushing.

 

Bin grinned and nodded.

 

Eunwoo brightened, "Well, _boyfriend_ , first we gotta make breakfast, then we tell the others, but somehow I think they already know and are making bets on us, and lastly, we just do what we always do. Be ourselves."

 

Bin had no objections to that, and he followed Eunwoo back to their dorm; and as cheesy as it sounds, he'd follow Eunwoo anywhere.

 

As Bin and Eunwoo made breakfast a few moments later, Bin laughed to himself as his mind went back to his first thoughts of quitting. He guessed his streak of quitting just being a thought, was still running, since (he looked at Eunwoo who was cooking some egg rolls, and how Eunwoo glanced at him and gave him a loving smile) he didn't end up quitting on being in love with one Cha Eunwoo.

 

Instead of quitting, he's going to go on and start living, amongst other things.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So a new behind the scenes on Go together Travel Alone was of Myungjin entering their room in the first night, and let me tell ya, it's fanfic writing worthy LOL
> 
> WE'll see if i actually have time to write that.
> 
>  
> 
> also, sorry to disappoint if this fic is a flop :(


End file.
